Dear God, From Me
I feel badly that my relationship with you has been sometimes from a distance. Perhaps I keep part of my life at a distance from you all the time. But, you know this and will receive this letter nonetheless. I was in church on Sunday and the pastor said that he wasn’t looking forward to death. He shook his head and looked down. He just wasn’t looking forward to it. Oh, but I am. Death seems to be so underrated. I am thankful for the life you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, even the discipline you gave me. Running Emily Fisher for fourteen years was the best job anyone could ever have. It was not only the best job, it was the best life—a limitless wife, children, family. And, a left handed three point shot last year. So thankful am I, but I can’t wait to go to work for you in heaven. They say all the time that it was his time to die or conversely, it wasn’t his time to die. What do those things mean? It’s a backhanded acknowledgment that there is a God, right? I mean, who sets the clock on life? If all of this—this existence and universe—is just a random batch of molecules, what does this sort of timing mean, what could it mean? If you and I concede that someone sets the clock, does this someone (whatever version of a higher power you believe in) do it individually for each of us? Yes, you and I might say. Is there some algorithm, some scientific correlation of data and genetic material and environmental influences collected progressively until some red light blinks off? Does the clock setter have no sense of timing? Of romance? I just want to tell you, my God does. I need her to. My spirit cries out for him to. Every sunset speaks to me. Every child’s breath is a resounding chorus. Every small miracle that we chalk up to coincidence or luck or our own intellect is God patiently whispering. I’m the one who made your daughter’s toothache disappear, found you a loving wife, made your mailwoman a graduate of Emily Fisher Charter School so every day would sparkle a little. I can’t wait to see you in heaven, God, at full bloom. I think I will fall to my knees in tears and in thankfulness. I remember all so well that you haven’t welcomed me because of anything I have done, but despite everything that I have. See you, when you are ready. Maybe death is for us when you have finished with us on Earth, when we have discarded as much pride and sin as we have been able to in the process. Life is great. Death is greater. No matter how or when I get there. Joyful, prayerful, thankful, no matter what, waiting on your, my God!
Dear God, From Me