I really like the word conundrum, because it sounds like its meaning….a quandary, a confusing and difficult problem. Well, I have a whopper. So I attended a Teepa Snow training dementia session for prospective coaches in order to train their employees how better to interact with people living with dementia. I have never seen better training anywhere. She is brilliant, committed, tireless and loves and respects demented folks. That is clearly not my conundrum. More on the conference later. I was sitting at a table with three other participants in the training, and Ms. Snow put up a diagram on the screen and asked us to count how many squares were created by the crossing lines. I’m good. I’m on it. After a moment when I wondered why my classmates were taking so long, I blurted “18”. My pride temperature was 102.5. After a pause, which seemed too long, one of my table partners said 46, and the next said 54. I was a lot, a lot wrong. Man, I was sure I was right. Not pretty sure, but bet $2,000.00 sure. This is dementia for sure. It’s really a quandary because when you’re dementia sure, you are unable, or feel no need, to see it from anyone else’s perspective. I learned at the conference that there is a part of the brain that handles this kind of perspective in b12 or my degree of self awareness of dementia. But, is there a decision or an argument where I’m right-I mean actually right-and others actually are wrong? That was pretty common in my lawyer and principal days. Maybe not pretty common, but common enough that holding my position would turn benefits. All my people reading skills were top notch. How do I tell the difference? So, what’s the test for self bullshitting of the dementia kind? That is the conundrum. If you’re fooling your dementia self, checking whether you are fooling yourself seems (duh) inherently suspect.
My first thought is to check with others whom I trust and love. But they have their own agendas (valid or irrelevant) and then we are right back to the beginning on whom or what to trust. So the conundrum is, how do you find real truth without the lure of false truth infecting the search-between being really right and ‘dementia right’(whichiswrongbutseemsreallyright)? Oneidea:Theintensityof false truth is different, more boundless, more pure in its feel. But that is really hard to discern from a real certainty and legitimate self-confidence; especially under pressure of emotional corruption like competition, failing self worth, pride, and confusion about who we have become-distinctly different from who we were in the world. Maybe my buddies Richard or Danny Brown? Their agenda for pushing me one way or another are without prejudice and only subject to their own analysis and their own inherent gaps in their brains. But a way better option, I think. But, God is the best. You obviously must believe- which I do-that God communicates with us through our heart, spirit and what I call “brain whispers”. What’s best is that God is 100%,not just for you but 100% that he wants you to do the right thing. His intervention is, however, not always right away. You have to slow down and wait for the answer, for wisdom, while fully assured you will receive it. Looking for God with your whole heart is another way to say it. So the sacrifice for truth? Slow your ass down and wait. I’m good with that. I need to slow down and not pretend that I can go so hard, so fast with dementia-even though I’m really, really, sure I can. LOL.

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